I’m trans-sacksual and damn proud of it.


Grocery store, paper or plastic?

This is what the young feller asked me the other night, as I was getting checked out at my local grocer. He hadn’t seen my six cloth bags in the bottom slot of my shopping cart, so he was a pretty low-hanging fruit victim for me.

“I’m bi-sacksual,” I told him with a snicker. “So it don’t matter.” His queer look at me showed me he didn’t get my little joke, so I explained.

“When people don’t care what bag you give ’em, they’re bi-sacksual. SACKS-ual?” I emphasized. “Oh yeah,” he said. “Funny.”

“It ain’t funny, son. I know some people are uncomfortable talking about sacksuality, but for me it’s a pretty big deal. The only reason we have these abominable plastic bags is the environuts insisted we go to them, to save the trees. Now they’re hysterical over these plastics they said we needed, because they don’t biodegrade ever, and they pollute the waters of our beautiful planet.”

“Oh I know,” he said. “They’re really bad.”

“The environuts, or the bags?” I asked. “Had they just left this shit alone instead of insisting on screwing with everything, we wouldn’t have this crap. Back when I was younger than you, we returned glass milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But this was before the environuts got traction.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribbling. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. It was the environuts who told us plastic bags were better for the planet than the brown paper ones, to save trees. At least we know the paper bags WILL biodegrade.

We walked up stairs because we didn’t have an escalator or elevator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. And we weren’t mostly all fat overfed slobs like your generation is. But you’re right. They’re really bad

Back when I was your age we washed the baby’s cloth diapers because we didn’t have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a clothesline outside, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes backna day. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. So you’re right. They’re really bad.

Back then we had one TV or radio, in the house – not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember those?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. So you’re right, they’re really bad.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family’s $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did back then. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint. So you’re right; they’re really bad

We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off… Especially from tattooed, green-haired, multiple pierced dumbasses who can’t make change without the cash register telling them how much. Because before the environuts got traction, we could actually do simple math in our heads.

But all of that’s beside the point, because I’m actually trans-sacksual and have been for many years. I brought my cloth bags with me, you’ll find them in the bottom slot of the cart there. Ya see? If you use the cloth bags, you’re not bi-sacksual – you’re TRANS-sacksual!”

The checker boy looked where told and found my cloth bags and resumed ringing up my order. “At least you’re working, I’ll give you that!” I told him. “But you’ll find that the more you think about this whole “green” thing, the less green it really is. Take ethanol for example – draining our aquifer to grow corn in a desert, where none was grown before because it’s such a thirsty crop, just so we can use 1,200 gallons of water to turn it into alcohol and then BURN it? Whole world is starving and we’re burning corn. So we can then use MORE fuel due to the performance and mileage loss it causes. More and more of the dreaded carbon dioxide emitted because of it.

Hell, remember we had an environut President who mandated those swirly light bulbs and outlawed the old filament ones, only to have actual real green technology push those idiot swirly ones to the dustbin of history – the LED. Which if those educated idiots in Washington had done even the least amount of study, they would have known that was already coming into its own as a light source a couple of years before the swirly mandate. Gone are the swirly ones, and everything now is LEDs. The MARKET decided.”

Now, if you have read this far and are still reading, I congratulate you. You may now return to shaving your back because my experiment to see how much total bullshit I could fit into one article is now ended. And I leave you as I always do, with thoughts provoked and a hearty, good-natured farewell of…



  1. Well, Red Neckerson I read the entirety of your richly written docudrama-comedy and found myself thoroughly enjoying myself. You may have packed a lot in there, but I bought it and put it in my plastic bag.

  2. Ha! Jokes on you. I was shaving my back while reading it. With an electric back shaver. Then I vacuumed up the trimmings and put them in a bag, of course. Plastic, in case you were wondering.

    • I only put newly bought groceries in my cloth bags. For everything else including cat litter box products and back clippings? Plastic. But you both bring up a salient point – the environuts preaching to us about saving the planet while driving their Cadillac Escalades and eating their tofu and kale, still use the big and small plastic garbage bags at home, still use kleenex tissues and paper towels by the buttload, and are often caught doing what? Yes, toting a dozen grocery-filled plastic bags to their Escalade after shopping.

      Meanwhile the redneck in us all still drives a 20 year-old pickup truck with ethanol-free gas, uses cloth grocery bags, eschews paper products as much as possible, but bypasses the tofu and kale on our way to Steak & Ale. Because WE know paper products are at least 20 times more evil now than they were, since most all of it now be it paper plates, tissues, paper towels? All pretty much imported from China and the like! So to the environuts it must be okay with them if China levels rain forests and pollutes the planet to satisfy our paper appetite, instead of US companies domestically recycling paper and applying eco-friendly forest and resource conservation/management.

      Are you still reading? Heh. Well here’s the kicker – the reason we know our paper products come mostly from China? The wailing and gnashing of teeth about one of the things it’s said Trump’s “trade war with China” might do – drive up the price of “every day” paper products! Yes, the ones we should not be using anyway.


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