I was watching football with Steve. He’s every bit the neanderthal while watching sports that he is the intellectual when writing. A player gets hurt. “Walk it off”, he yells at the TV. ” He’s hurt” I offered in defense. He grunts. “Meh, rub some dirt on it.” If only it were that easy for emotional pain. Or is it? Can you… write it off?
I’m not suggesting mental illness can be treated with a pen and pad. No more than a guy could “walk off” a broken leg. When I asked Steve when “rubbing some dirt on it” ever fixed anything, he offered a decent explanation. Apparently when one scuffs up their skin, rubbing some dirt on it takes away the sting.
Don’t I do that too? With words, of course. I’m not an idiot. However, when I’m emotionally hurt, I impulsively want to withdraw. Ride the cart to the sideline if you will. Nurse my wounds. Alternatively, I’ve found it useful many times to endure the pain of working on the injury as opposed to trying to suppress my emotions. When I scuff up my heart, I heal quicker by rubbing some words on it. Here are a few examples of me healing through writing.
Write it off… Working through a complicated relationship.
These next two writings were preventive medicine. I was entering into a relationship that scared me a little. I had been friends with the man for some time. Should I risk the friendship? Could this possibly pay off?
In her eyes…
IN HER EYES –
I see my disguise –
I disgust myself With My Lies –
I SEE MY REFLECTION –
A fractured Soul is her only coveted collection –
I see the Hope start to rise –
I HEAR HER ANGUISHED SIGHS –
Her words a sweet collection –
all she needs is a small connection –
I TASTE THE TEARS OF BITTER CRIES –
She knows my promises were lies –
She waits for words of detection that somehow I’ll offer her my PROTECTION…
The walls I built around her are everywhere..
SHE CAN’T ESCAPE HER OWN SELECTION –
I built these walls to perfection –
inside this lair –
I sense her despair –
But I can’t set her free –
She is my POSSESSION –
TO SET HER FREE would mean she would stop loving me –
IN HER EYES * I see me there.. Inside these walls she will remain there.
Letting it out.
I’m letting it out, to get it out of my head.
Because I’m tired of the voices that lead to doubt and start to shout.
Doubt in my head, in my heart.. it screams in fear of you.
I worked so hard and I worked so long at building these walls to keep from falling for you.
To be able to love you but not be in love with you.
Yet here you are standing in my inner dwellings.
At first, I only wanted someone to be there.
To look and see the things inside me that are hidden from those who dare not search,
who don’t care to find them and those who reject them because it doesn’t suit their needs.
Now I realize that I want more than most.
I want to be found if ever I’m lost.
I want to be searched for, fought for and not let go of.
I want to know that there is nowhere to run, no place to hide.
I need to know that you are the one who will find me.
I’ve counted all the times things went wrong.
I’m counting all MY errors and creating MY list.
DO U EVER FEEL LOVED BY ME?
If you only knew, how much I love you and how much I miss you.
Do you know how hard it is to sleep without you next to me?
I still hold onto the memories and I’ve lived and I’ve learned.
I think about you and I wonder if I should run.
Will I look back and wonder what could have been?
I wonder sometimes if I’ll hold onto the memories instead of holding you.
I’ve watched you fall for others, and I cant do it again.
All I ever wanted is wrapped in you and you say the same is true of me.
But if I lose you, how will I go on?
How will I make it once you’ve gone?
I’m counting on you to show me the way.
If it’s too much to ask then I’m asking you NOT to stay.
If what I have isn’t good enough. PLEASE let this go and forgive me.
B/c if you do let go.
I know its b/c I didn’t make you see the worth, the love and the value of keeping me.
Write it off when a loved one hurts you.
The ones we love the most often cut us the deepest. I wrote this one while reflecting on the damage that was done to me by a family member.
Build your bridges and I will burn them down. Footsteps falling softly, knees dropping to the ground.
Fear in her eyes, pain all around. She contemplates suicide but lays the idea down.
The conscience stays silent while doubt starts to surround. Darkness embraces her but loneliness abounds. Touching every part of her without a sound.
Once so beautiful, once so shy. A modest little girl with no reason to cry.
Sadness would change her but she didn’t know it then. Too young to know despair, too young to let it in.
Hands of another wrapped in her hair. Eyes full of rage as the woman swayed. Harsh words spoken a hiss in the air. Suddenly the woman was gone and it was daddy’s little girl there.
Misery and doubt she had to let it out. All the shock, all the pain but nothing gained.
Bleeding, broken, bruised & sore. The body healed but the soul was torn.
Now she builds her bridges just to burn them to the ground. Waiting for the moment when she can lay her burdens down.
Write it off when you’re judging yourself.
I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my life. Some of them I could try to correct with sincere apologies and an effort to never make the same mistakes again. Some of my mistakes have had “fatal” consequences to friendships and relationships.
I’m known for my impulsive decisions, hazardous behavior and often for my unusual choices. I have a “good” heart and that’s probably why, it bothers me that my behavior has impacted others. Or give them the impression that I had intent, when I was likely acting impulsively.
I’m just as harsh on me as I am on others. Don’t misunderstand what I’m intending to say. Excuses waste everybody’s time. If you mess up, admit it. Don’t hide behind a lie to make yourself feel better. Who are you kidding? Who would I be fooling if I tried to pretend that I don’t and wont make mistakes?
Our personal issues should be fully disclosed to, at the very least, ourselves. List your own strengths and weakness before listing other peoples. And if you find that you tend to believe that nothing is ever your fault,
It’s time to do yourself a favor. Our personal issues are our on burdens to carry and to work on. Stop searching for a fall guy and learn from your failures so that you may celebrate your personal victories.
Do you heal through writing?
Obviously one can’t rub some words on PTSD, or write off depression. However, when you scuff up your heart a little words can help you heal. Do you ever rub some words on it? I’ve given you a few of my examples. I would love to see yours in the comments below.